Invincible

Alright, we have all been there, come across a song that resonates to your very soul...so you sit there for days, maybe weeks on end listening to it 10 times a day.  I have come across such a song lately. Starts off like this :

" I took a long Hard look at my life..... "

Yeah,  what the hell is it about growing older that brings the reflective quality of your soul out? I am 37 now ( shhh...don't tell anyone ) but in a lot of ways , I am still a kid, needing to grow up . So onto the next set of lyrics  :

".....lost my way while I was fighting the Tide, a Big Black Cloud , stormy sky, followed me while I was livin a lie so selfish, so in darkness when all your nights are starless and you are running outta hope ..."

 God. Sounds kinda despairing doesn't it?  I believe we all if we are honest with ourselves , have walked this valley before , feeling alone , nothing to face us but our selfish desires . But it gets better , read on good friend.... :

" .....But I found the strength inside to see the BETTER part of me AND I'll never let it go..."

Some of us never find that strength, some do through religion , some through a loved one or a spouse . I found mine through a close friend, so connected to me , we are on or own level . I feel pity for those who never find that strength to persevere through the shit battles of life as we know it . Let's move on to the part of the song that REALLY speaks to my core and excites me "

"....I've come a long long way, made a lot of mistakes , but I'm Breathin Breathin, that's why I Mean it Mean it , this time I'm a little run down , I've been livin out loud , I could Beat it Beat it , that's right cause I am FEELING FEELING ..Invincible ..."

Wow. We all made a lot of mistakes, Don't believe me , check out my " regrets " blog . that's just one in the sea of mistakes I have contributed to my life .  This is about ( the last set of lyrics) , to me (and how I feel those words) , about  " Repentance " what is that? It's not just a church word , tho, their context of it rings just as important to those who don't have a particular set of beliefs  . Repentance is in short...admitting you were wrong . I have been doing that alot. I am not perfect, no one is . when your heart is that of repentance...you really are invincible . I am gonna skip some of the song , jump to one more true part of the song :

" ...I've been so high, I've sunk so Low ,I've come so far with nothing to show , for it Mistaking , I got so good at taking , But I'm so tired of FAKING this story's getting OLD . So I've found the strength inside to see the BETTER part of ME and I'll never let it  go....." The song leads into that last set of lyrics above..

We all do that , whether you admit it or not. we take , we fake . I used to pride myself in my SL for Enn being so true . The most like me in RL. And I don't discount that , nor felt I have lied anytime those words have come out of my mouth . But I realise , just how fallible we all are , no matter if you are the President of the free world, the Pope...or CHUCK NORRIS ...we are all fake to a degree...the important part is to admit it to yourselves. I have . And will try to be better . I am posting the Song Invincible by Hedley ( a Canadian group ) . Listen and feel the words . Be well, until next time....

Enn Jaxxon

Som

Chayna and Lindsay

Rarely does one find people to really connect with . I fell fortunate to find two such people, although worlds apart in Real Life...they are close to me and my heart.

Chayna, I have not known you nearly as long as Lindsay but I say this honestly , you add so much to my Sl in the morn, and I do look forward to seeing you daily. You are quirky and funny...and just a bit twisted as I can be at times! I look forward to coming back to SL regularly To hang out with you...I miss you so much.

Lindsay , I don't see you as often as before but I know a quick IM or email, and you are there for me . You are my bestfriend , and though we have been through a hell of a lot, we remain true in our friendship . I love our times of chilling back to watch a movie and our times of just hitting up an Edward concert.

Chayna and Linds. I love you both dearly . This is a nod to our friendship :)

Relationships In SL

I have read this many times before in profiles :  " SL is SL " , " RL is RL " , I am a profile perv, meaning if you are cute ..most likely I have crawled all over your profileand saw that written. To some extents I completely agree, with one VITAL exception : YOU!  It does not matter if you play A man , a woman , a Furry , or even a kid in SL, one thing remains constant : your humanity.

No matter what , ( and here I go, climbing on a soapbox ) we are all breathing living emotional beings . Can you completely separate Secondlife and Real Life? Not a chance, those who say so, are fucking fooling themselves...wise up. Can you control how much emotion you set out? Yes. It doesn't come easily at first , but with practice, you can separate a certain degree of emotion. For me, I have my alt accounts. Enn Jaxxon is Probably most like who I am in Real Life , the fun loving comic geek who creates and loves anything comicbook related.

My ALT Accounts range  from anything from a dainty woman ( guys don't laugh, you KNOW you have a female alt stashed somewhere ) ,  Furry Fox, to the Emo kid you avoided eye contact with while riding the bus. My point is simple: This is how I live my Secondlife. Each alt serves a purpose, most stay on the shelf until I dust the odd one off and take him/her for a spin.  But thats my way of seperating whats real and what's fantasy.

I tend not to hook Enn up with anyone, sure he has close relationships closely tied to his heartstrings, ( you know who you are ) , but that's about as far as he goes. I think , the reason I don't allow Enn to partner ( yes, I know I HAVE done so in the past ) is because he is me. This is so complicated, hell, I am confusing myself..so best to say , Talk to you later .

I'm out.

The Past, the regrets.

Alright, here it goes.  There have been times in SL , I regret certain actions...put up defenses when really, there shouldn't be any. This was one of many.  Let's start at the beginning.

Like with Real Life, everyone has their ups, their down, their tragedies that do happen in SecondLife. Well, I experienced that when a close friend decided to partner with someone....not that I could blame her , I was/am not available in the RL ...so I supported her fully. That of course, Did not make the pain any less . I decided I needed a break from SL. So I made up a note card , said goodbye to all my friends, even cleared out my profile ...so for all intents and purposes , Enn was gone. Gone from the pain, just....gone.

Anyone who plays SL, knows how addictive it could be , so it wasn't long before I started sneaking back into Sl...but how do I explain the " See you later ??" Besides, I really didn't like who Enn was becoming , just another playboy with digi-sex on his mind.

So I created  a  new life.,  a new account . " No Man " was birthed from my desire to really get back to basics , how I first started out in Sl...a hero , a goofy Canadian guy who enjoyed making people laugh.

I decided to do things a bit differently at first, I wanted No Man , at least for a little while, remain in  character , through out all interactions. I promptly headed off the the only place I ever called home.
Aftermath 2 , the sim with the quirky people like myself, where spandex and comic book talk were second nature. Hell, the only reason I joined SL was because you could FLY .

Ok...so there I am in AM2 , being No Man, the new guy on the block. It wasn't long that the urge to become involved in the sim, (financially , and as a partner , helping them out in what ever they need.)grew to whereI felt it needed to take action. I set up a meeting with AUS , EL , and Jingah..current partners in the Sim. There was also a Partner there, unknown to me , but it was cool.

During our talk about me becoming an active roll in AM2 the question was asked that would ultimately change my SL forever...." Have you had any previous involvement in AM2? Like in another account ?" ( forgive me if its not written verbatim , it was quite some time ago ) Feeling I didn't want to " out " myself  to this person I didn't know , I denied any previous involvement in AM2.
I did have full intention to tell EL, AUS and Jingah who I was within the next day or two. In retrospect, this whole mess could have been avoided if I IM'd even one of them to say , " Yes, I am Enn but I don't wish it to be public knowledge that I am him . "

Flash to the next day , I start to hang with some people known to be tight with Enn and it's noticed. AUS approached me , and I don't know exactly what happened, but I felt threatened. Why would I ? I don't know , honestly , AUS had been a friend for years ..true , not a close friend , but one I called a friend anyways. So I denied, denied and denied again , all the while stirring a big pot of shit that ultimately cost me the place I thought of as a safe haven and some of the friendships I had for years .

I doubt anyone will see this , but let me own my mistakes .

AUS Ninetails : You are a good man . I respect you , always have and to this day, always will. In retrospect, ( ya I know I have used this word already ) I should have been clean with you. I apologise.

ElusiveButterfly Ember : without a doubt, my biggest regret. El, there is one other in SL to whom I was as close to . It hurts that I hurt you . Even in the months that followed, I did not see my error and have lashed out . I grieve the loss of contact, you are a brilliant woman , your heart is shown in every turn . I see now what you have tried telling me.

Jingah Ling : My fellow countryman , and builder extraordinaire. You were my first friend here in SL. I remember the day I met you. I was anly a day into my journey and I typed in " comic " into the search which lead me to you and the Hall of Justice. You helped me that day, hooking me up with stuff, ao's ..ect.  An example I still follow today, helping noobies and hoping they will in time, pay it forward.

Merrie Sweetwater : My words escape me , in my anger I lashed out at you in a way I should have NEVER done, I attacked your faith. Do I have an excuse? No.. Was it deplorable? Absolutely. I pray for your forgiveness.

And for the rest of AM2 : Rey, Kara, and many others. I am sorry , I did not intentionally set out to hurt any of you.

So why now? Why do I bare my sins against my friends? Is it so they will read this and forgive me?  On the surface, some will say " Ya, Enn is just trying to get back in " . No. Tomorrow marks Four years in SL as Enn

God Speed all you hero's out there in SL.

Hi , let me welcome you .

Hey there, I am Enn Jaxxon ....as known in Second Life. As of  November 12, 2011. I will have been playing SL for four years. Wow, long time, so much has happened inworld, I would need years to recant his history there...lol, I hope you enjoy my page. I should say ,  that the header picture of the cool looking Bloke is Davis Zeplin, an alternate account I hold in SL. :)